Notice when you’re asking yourself things like:
Why did you do that?
What were you thinking?
How could you forget something so simple?
There’s usually no curiosity behind these questions because they aren’t meant to get information. They’re used instead as accusations—what we can call accusing with questions.
This type of thinking is a cognitive distortion because it often gets in the way of more helpful thoughts.
For example, imagine you leave your water bottle on top of the car, and when you drive away it falls and breaks. Then you ask yourself, Why didn’t I see my water bottle sitting there?
But there’s an implied answer that’s something like, Because I’m an idiot. This accusatory question leaves no room for self-compassion, no opportunity to defend yourself—and you don’t get to figure out what actually led to the broken water bottle. You just feel like an idiot, which doesn't help prevent similar problems in the future.
The best way to handle an accusing question is to re-ask it as a real question:
How did I not see my water bottle sitting there?
Maybe the answer is something like, “I was in a hurry and had other things on my mind.” Or maybe you were distracted by your son who was freaking out in his car seat, and you were rushing to start driving so he’d calm down.
The actual answer to the question is usually kinder than the accusation implies. And you might discover a cause that you can fix next time.
You won’t always know the answer for why you made a mistake. Sometimes the best answer might be, Because I’m human and people make mistakes. You don’t have to be an idiot to do something that seems idiotic. It’s part of being imperfect.
When you reframe your accusing question as a sincere one, it can open the door to self-compassion. Maybe you forgot a good friend’s birthday, for example, and your accusing question is, How could I have forgotten my dear friend’s birthday?! (Implication: I’m a bad friend.)
The actual answer might be something like:
Because I’ve been going nonstop and have had so much on my mind. I’m so busy and stressed that I can barely remember my own birthday!
And instead of feeling like you need to punish yourself, you have compassion for your struggles and even for your lapses. Maybe you end up extending yourself more grace than you normally would, and your day looks up instead of spiraling down into self-loathing.
So look for times when you might be accusing yourself with questions. The solution is as simple as asking the question again, as a real question. See what possibilities open up when you replace the accusation with curiosity.
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The mind can be an unrelenting source of distress. It sees danger where it doesn’t exist, invents stories about other people, and creates unhelpful beliefs about your worthiness.
With love,
lovely
Thank you, Seth. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate your writings. They help me to be more gentle with myself.