See Through the More Mirage

Fulfillment may be closer than you think.

Think of something you got that only led to wanting more. Maybe it was a dessert, praise at work, or a new outfit. Whatever it was, you found that having it didn’t satisfy in the way you expected—and in fact just fueled a craving.

This disappointment is a universal human experience, and it often leads to the more mirage, a cognitive distortion that says the answer to wanting more is to get more. This belief is so common, it’s more like a society-wide delusion.

When I was a young adult, I was under the sway of this mirage every time I drank. The feeling I craved was always in the next drink—just one more and I would feel prefect. Even when I was drunk enough to black out, I was still craving more.

Perhaps you’ve found that the satisfaction you’re after eludes you, like the illusion of water on the highway in the distance. As soon as you reach where it was, it’s moved further down the road.

The more mirage can show up in any area of your life. Common examples include:

• food

• sex

• achievement and status

• a bigger house or a nicer car

• income and savings

• clothes

• entertainment

Wherever it lies for you, you come by this cognitive distortion honestly. The brain chemicals that drive your behavior (especially dopamine) are more interested in getting than in having, and they don’t care about your contentment. They’re designed to create habit loops that reward you for pursuing pleasure.

If that weren’t enough, you live in a society that glorifies consumption. Even as the world around you is wasting away it keeps saying, “More!", as if more of the same will ever be enough. It tells you that the joy you seek is always that but never this, always there and never here.

But you don’t have to be tricked by faulty beliefs about happiness. You can see through the false consolation that creates the mirage.

Ask yourself when you’ve felt truly content. Most likely what comes to mind is an experience or a state of mind, and it probably involves people you care about.

For me it’s a random moment in a van full of other staff members from the camp in Maine where my wife and I worked in the summer of 1999. I distinctly remember thinking, “There is nothing I would change about this moment.”

When you see through the more mirage, two big things happen. First, you can drop the chase, knowing that it will bring you right back to where you already are. You might still crave more, but you’re less attached to that desire because you know where it leads.

And second, when you’re not chasing other things it’s easier to see the value in what you already have. Rather than looking for more somewhere else, you start to see more in what is already yours.

You’ll also be able to hear more easily the true need—physical, emotional, or spiritual—that’s behind the craving. You can begin to discover what you’re really longing for.

Where does the more mirage show up in your daily life? If you’re ready to go deeper, I have an invitation for you below, as well as a new 7-day mind training plan for paid subscribers.

Invitation + 7-Day Mind Training Plan

This week, notice when you’re craving more of something. Then follow these 3 steps:

1. Pause and connect with your breath. Notice how your body feels. You don’t need to try to change your feelings; just be conscious of your physical being.

2. Listen for thoughts that drive the more mirage. They might be subtle—less conscious beliefs and more a gut-level hope or expectation. Sometimes the thoughts include the subtle fear that the craving will be intolerable if you don’t act on it.

3. Gently ask yourself: In this moment, is it possible I have everything I need? Let yourself sit with the question for a few moments, repeating it if necessary.

Bring a light touch to this exercise, and watch out for any self-criticism when you do give in to unhelpful cravings.

If you’re a paid subscriber, use the form below to manage the more mirage. This 7-day plan can help train your mind to remember that doing, getting, or having more is less likely to create lasting satisfaction and more likely to trigger more craving.