Surround Yourself With Kindness
Find environments that are easy on your nervous system.
Be excessively gentle with yourself. —John O’Donohue, from Blessings
Notice how your surroundings affect how you feel. Your nervous system is always interacting with the environment, even when you don’t know it. You might be taking on more stress than you realize from the settings where you find yourself.
I experienced the powerful effect of my environment one evening last week. Around dinnertime I found myself feeling more and more at my wits’ end for no big reason I could point to. Eventually it manifested in intense feelings of frustration and rage.
To be honest, I felt like breaking things. Eventually I had to send myself outside for a walk after dinner, and I raged for the first half of it. Anyone who had seen me would have kept their distance and wondered what was wrong with that guy as I walked quickly, talked to myself, swore, and shook with anger. After about ten minutes I’d discharged enough energy that I could feel my nervous system start to settle.
As I talked about that episode with a couple friends, they helped me to see more of the inputs that had led to my powerful feelings of frustration. All day I’d been stuck in the house for various reasons, unable to find the movement and solitude that I need at times. Scheduling frustrations and inescapable music that grated on my nerves led to my feeling even more frayed at the edges.
Finally getting outside and moving didn’t remove the feelings completely, but I was able to rejoin the human race. As much as I didn’t enjoy that experience, it helped me to see more clearly how our physical situation contributes to our well-being.
Your surrounding don’t act alone, of course. They interact with your current state, which at times can heighten your sensitivity to the physical environment.
Maybe your nervous system, like mine, has grown more sensitive to demands or overstimulation as you’ve gotten older. In the first 40 years of my life I didn’t give much thought to the wear-and-tear of daily stress, but in my fifth and sixth decades I’ve had to be more proactive in managing stress. Sickness or fatigue can also sensitize you to external challenges.
Daily Ways to Look After Yourself
With attention and a bit of planning, you can be kinder to your nervous system and avoid being overwhelmed or having a conniption fit.
Notice how you’re feeling. Begin with awareness. Check in with yourself, especially when you start to feel more tightly wound. What’s happening in your mind and body? How are your spirits?
Notice what’s affecting you. Look objectively at the inputs you’re receiving, as if you’re a lab animal in a science experiment. How are those stimuli affecting this creature? Maybe there’s a lot of activity on the street outside that’s setting your nerves on edge, or your kids keep asking you questions when you just want to finish the email you’re writing. Or perhaps you haven’t had enough to eat, or a kink in your schedule means you haven’t been able to unwind all day.
Change your environment if possible. Ideally you’ll be able to remove the inputs that are causing stress, such as shutting your door while you write your email so you’re not interrupted. Or if you control your schedule, you can avoid packing a lot of difficult things into the same day.
If you can’t escape, offer self-compassion. Validate your feelings: Yes, this is hard. Your emotions are understandable. Remember that you’re not alone with this experience, and that everyone at some point deals with similar challenges or frustrations. You can also remind yourself that it won’t last forever and you won’t always feel this way—that it’s a temporary part of your experience. Reassure yourself that you’ll find ways to soothe your nervous system as soon as you can.
Discharge accumulated stress when you’re able to. Give your nervous system the chance to reset: Go for a walk, talk with a compassionate friend, take a warm bath, listen to music, lie on the floor, or do anything else that allows the built-up tension to drain away.
You can also plan in advance to treat yourself with kindness. Schedule brief periods of rest between demanding tasks, for example, rather than plowing straight through and suffering more in the end. I’ve found that making an easy dinner or ordering food can be a very merciful act toward myself when our evenings is packed with kid activities and drop-offs and pick-ups.
Just as there are environments that are especially hard on you, there are those that are exceptionally well-suited for your needs. Maybe you thrive when you're outside, for example, or when your day is punctuated by physical activity. Arrange opportunities to be in those settings as much as possible. Receive not only the direct benefits of those settings, but the caring intention that led you there.
With love,
Seth, there is a place in the next town to mine that has a place called ‘Cheaper Than Therapy’, where you can smash items to relieve stress.
I’ve wanted to take an old computer there and beat the ‘disk’ out of it! Instead, I donated it to a young kid interested in IT. That jester helps me cope. Doing something good for others diverts my inner frustrations.
Seth, you make excellent points and suggestions. And all of these cases it’s our brain that has to take control over our nervous system. Unfortunately, many times nervous systems and emotions take control of our brain. Humans need to be alert to the fact that the brain has lost control over our nervous system and emotions and act accordingly.