Why Does Self-Criticism Feel True?
Question the automatic judgments your mind makes.
Your mind is a meaning maker. As it tries to understand things, it often finds that there aren’t enough facts to completely explain what happened. For example:
A friend doesn’t call you back.
You lost your job.
Your child is struggling.
You’re dealing with panic attacks.
Someone doesn’t like you.
You make a recipe that turns out badly.
You have health issues with no clear cause.
There are many factors that could contribute to each of these scenarios, and the ultimate explanation might be a bit of a mystery.
Your mind uses its best guesses to fill the gaps in its understanding, and these guesses are the ones that most readily come to mind. It’s like patching a hole in a wall with whatever materials you have on hand.
The guesses your mind makes tend to come from your core beliefs, which are your deep-seated assumptions about yourself, others, and the world.
Common negative core beliefs include:
I’m weak.
I’m unlovable.
I’m incompetent.
I’m a failure.
I’m helpless.
I’m less than.
I’m inadequate.
I’m worthless.
So if deep down you don’t see yourself as good at what you do, it will be easy to think you didn’t get the job you applied for because you’re unqualified. While that might be true, it could be any number of other reasons—for example, the company decided to hire from within.
You often don’t question these automatic, self-critical explanations because they feel so true. After all, they came from your longstanding beliefs about yourself, so of course they’re going to resonate with you. The mind that gives rise to self-criticism is the same mind that judges whether the criticism is true, which means it’s not exactly unbiased.
That ring of truth in turn can strengthen your core belief, because your mind takes it as one more piece of evidence that supports your assumptions.
So how can you break this self-perpetuating cycle?
The solution is to think again when you’re trying to understand what happened. Your core belief will offer its interpretation quickly and automatically. Seek a second opinion.
Ask yourself how much of the explanation that feels true is actually grounded in facts. You might be amazed by what an elaborate story the mind can create based on scant information.
Once you’ve found that line between fact and fantasy, see if there’s another explanation that could be just as true and is friendlier to you. This is where it can be helpful to talk with someone who can help you to see alternatives.
It can be hard to see out of familiar stories when the mental patterns are so well-rehearsed. Practice seeing through old assumptions about who you are and what you’re capable of. You are more than the stories you mind tells about you.
With love and hope,
Well said.