You Are More Than a Label
Beware of this common form of black-or-white thinking.
Notice the kinds of labels you apply to yourself or someone else:
That guy’s an idiot.
She’s controlling.
I’m a failure.
He’s a clown.
A label can be clarifying in some ways, like when you finally realize that your parent was a narcissist. Some people really are tyrants, or self-centered, or toxic.
But labeling can also be a cognitive distortion. When it reflects black-or-white thinking, a label obscures the fuller picture.
For example, maybe you did something mean to a loved one, and later you tell yourself that you’re a “horrible person.” But in fairness, that label doesn’t capture the truth about who you are. Even if you had a moment of horribleness, you’re probably loving and patient much more often than not. On a scale from “saint” to “sociopath,” chances are you fall somewhere in the middle.
The same goes for other people. When you’re upset with someone, it’s easy to reduce them to a one-word description: liar, psycho, coward, tool, diva…. But those labels probably gloss over a lot of nuance about the other person.
Labels also ignore context. For example, you might see someone as a coward because he’s really afraid of flying, but he’s also fearless when it comes to driving. And the person who lied may have done it to protect someone.
You might find yourself labeling a situation or relationship, too, like telling yourself, “Our country is divided.” There truly is a lot of division in the US; the differences among groups are obvious when you read the news or scroll through social media.
But the description “divided country” is a story your mind is telling about a complex set of facts and interpretations. It’s an opinion piece, rather than unbiased news about objective facts. And like an op-ed, it can be really effective at shaping how you feel, and even what you do.
And yet it’s not the only story that can be told about the same set of circumstances. If you look more closely, you’ll see a more interesting story.
You’ll find organizations that are working to transcend polarization (like the work of my friend and podcast guest Douglass Teschner). You’ll see families and relationships where individuals hold really different beliefs, and yet they find common ground in many of the things they care about. Maybe that’s true for your own family.
Any label can be an invitation to look more deeply. When you catch yourself labeling, ask yourself if it’s helpful or not:
Does it allow my to see more clearly? Or does it get in the way of seeing things as they really are?
Does it push my actions in a useful direction? Or does it work against my goals?
Look beyond the labels and see if you discover a deeper truth.
With love,