Your Well-Being Counts
You don't always have to put your own needs last.
Consider how often you’ve done something not because you wanted or needed to, but only because someone asked. How many times have you said yes when you wanted to say no?
Think of all the ways you’ve shaped your behavior according to what you thought everyone wanted from you, as if nothing were more important than making things easy for them. Why does their well-being count for more than your own?
Maybe you try to protect them from your emotions, too, turning down the volume on your joy or sense of humor so you’re not “too much,” or smiling for others when you really want to cry. Whatever the feelings are, you might keep them inside so they don’t upset anyone.
What do you fear would happen if you expressed who you really are or stood up for what you needed?
Maybe you worry you’ll be resented for saying no, so you choose to be resentful from saying yes. Perhaps you’re afraid that people won’t like you if you express your needs. Maybe you don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
It might be hard to believe, but it’s actually OK to hurt someone’s feelings—not on purpose or maliciously, but in the course of protecting your well-being.
I know at times I’ve felt trapped between what felt like two unacceptable options: say yes to something I knew wasn’t good for me, or say no and probably offend the other person.
For example, a few years ago a friend of mine was coming to visit the area from out of state and asked if he could stay with me. I wanted to say yes but because of my health struggles at the time, I knew I wasn’t up to hosting for several days. My friend could be a bit sensitive to rejection, so I felt stuck—and angry about the “impossible” position I was in.
But these conundrums aren’t impossible, they’re just uncomfortable. I ended up telling my friend that unfortunately I wasn’t up to hosting him this time. It wasn’t easy, and it was better than agreeing to something I would regret.
There is a solution when you feel like you can’t say no, and it’s found through a willingness to give your wishes and well-being the weight they deserve.
Other people are responsible for their own emotions, especially the adults in your life. You’re not responsible for shielding everyone from any bad feelings, even as a result of your own actions. All you can control is what you do and how you do it.
There’s so much freedom in this approach. You’re not boxed in. You don’t have to take on all the stuff you want to say no to. You’re allowed to decline, if for no other reason than that you don’t want to do it.
Take note of the beliefs and assumptions that compel you to act against your best interests, such as, “It would be unacceptably selfish of me to say no.” Take a closer look at them. Are they 100% true? Are they part of the rules for living that you would want a child to learn? Or are they just unhelpful conditioning that you learned at some point in your life?
See what it’s like in the next few days to give your preferences more weight. Your needs matter. You’re worth looking out for. Find opportunities to say no to reflexive people-pleasing.
With love and gratitude,
Amazing article. I've had a difficult time of not taking on the emotions of others. I think this stems from me growing up in a chaotic family and taking on the responsibility of being the help or rescuer for others. Partly, I wanted the chaos to calm down, but also another reward of being liked and given value. This would give way to a core belief that "I only have value when I sacrifice my needs for the needs of others". It's a never-ending cycle filled with exhaustion and it doesn't have to continue. I love this article because it shares that we can all relearn and implement a new value system about ourselves. Thanks Seth!