Is Your Peace of Mind Worth More Than Daily Hassles?
Rewrite the script when things don't go your way.
I was at a red light recently when a tractor trailer started backing slo-o-o-wly into the intersection to turn onto the intersecting road. Oh god, I thought, how long is this going to take? I hope I don’t miss the green light. Sure enough the light turned green and the truck was still in the way when the light turned red again.
Have you ever noticed the story that gets cued up in these kinds of situations when something doesn’t go the way you want it to? The process usually looks like:
1. Hope: I wanted this to happen.
2. Reality: Instead, that happened.
3. Distress: Therefore, I am upset.
I wanted a sunny day. It rained. I’m bummed out.
I thought we’d have a nice evening. Dinner was lousy. I’m in a sour mood.
I wanted to make the red light. I didn’t. I’m angry and aggrieved.
There are essentially zero degrees of freedom in this Hope—Reality—Distress model of well-being. The move from #2 to #3 is seamless and automatic.
Discrepancy = Distress.
But imagine you could freeze the timeline the second you realize you didn’t get what you wanted. Pause it at exactly that moment.
Then, advance it frame by frame. What you’ll probably discover between #2 and #3 is a choice.
You decided (probably unconsciously) that this was something worth being upset about—maybe that even required you to be upset. “I missed the green light—now I’m mad!”
Now, some things are overwhelmingly hard to deal with—discovering a partner’s infidelity, for example, or being told you have a serious illness. I’m not suggesting that really difficult things don’t hit us hard.
But you might find that you’re trading your peace of mind for something worth a lot less. Common things that can cost you your equanimity include:
a 60-second wait at a stop light
minor technology problems
a brief shipping delay
a minor mess at the dining room table
When you run into these sorts of daily hassles, ask yourself: What’s my peace of mind worth?
Perhaps you value it more than the minor inconvenience you’re experiencing. You might decide it’s not worth getting worked up over, and that happiness is still an option.
Maybe instead of frowning and shutting down, you smile and keep your head up. You’re not denying what your preferences are—you wanted things to turn out differently. And you’re not willing to bind your joy to things you can’t control.
Thankfully on this day at the traffic light, I remembered that happiness was in my control. Instead of “Oh no!” I said, “Oh well!”
Short delays happen, and they’re not the end of the world. They don’t even make the world a bad place to be.
When you experience minor hassles in your day, pause and breathe. You can widen the gap between being disappointed and choosing how to respond.
You can build more resilience in the face of challenges.
Feel the power of choice when you ask yourself, What is my peace of mind worth?
Give Yourself the Gift of Accomplishment
Getting things done can be a great source of stress relief, especially when it’s something you’ve been putting off. That’s why my plan for 31 Days of Self-Kindness (available to paid subscribers) includes ways to make overwhelming tasks less painful and more enjoyable.
Today’s act of self-kindness comes from Day 7:
Pick one item from your to-do list.
Break it down into small steps.
Take the first step today.
The part about breaking it down is essential. You don’t have to grit your teeth and force more will power. Just make it easier to get started.
A job that feels too hard is really just too big. Make it into a series of little jobs, and then do them one-by-one. You can do this!
Podcast
Ep. 227: Dr. Steve Taylor — Mindful Awareness 2. Cultivating the Conditions for Spiritual Awakening
My guest this week is psychologist Dr. Steve Taylor, author of the new book, The Adventure: A Practical Guide to Spiritual Awakening. Steve and I had a great talk about the elements of “enlightenment,” how to let go of worries, and the power of changing your relationship to your thoughts.
You can get the episode through the link above, on Apple Podcasts, or wherever you like to listen.
With love and gratitude,