Make Peace with Anxious Thoughts

You don't have to argue with distressing fears and worries.

When you’re dealing with a lot of anxiety, you’ll probably find that your thoughts are focused on danger. Your mind is likely to tell you that bad things are going to happen, and that they’re going to be terrible.

One way to handle anxious thoughts is to challenge them directly. For example, you could ask yourself how likely it is that the illness you have will be as bad as you fear, or whether the world is as close to ending as your mind suggests.

As useful as it can be to challenge unhelpful thoughts, it has its limits as a way to manage anxiety. No matter how low the probability of what you’re afraid of, there’s always the possibility that it could happen. Even if the likelihood is almost zero, it’s not exactly zero, so there’s still a chance.

Your mind knows implicitly that there can always be a first time for the thing you fear, even if you’ve worried about it a thousand times and it’s never happened. The next time could be different.

A complementary way to approach scary thoughts is to practice greater openness to them. Rather than arguing with them and trying to change them, you can let the thoughts be there while you focus your energy on what you can control.

For example, if you’re anxious about an upcoming talk you’ll give, you don’t have to convince yourself that it’ll go well. Instead, you can focus on preparing for the talk as best you can, and let the anxiety come along with you.

Follow these three steps to change your relationship with distressing thoughts. (This approach is at the heart of ACT or Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, developed by Steve Hayes.)

1. Notice the Thought

Recognize your anxious thought as a thought, not as reality. If you have an interview coming up, for example, you might notice that your mind says, “You’re going to say something stupid.” That’s a story about how things could go, which might or might not be true.

Simply knowing that it’s one story among many can do you a lot of good. Writing down the thought can help you get even more perspective on it. Once you see it from a bit of a distance, you have more flexibility in how you respond to it.

2. Expand Your Thinking

When you’re not locked into a fight with an anxious thought, you have more freedom to notice what else is going through your mind—which probably includes some helpful thoughts. For example, you might also be thinking, “I’ve given some really good presentations.” Or perhaps, “I have a good idea of what I want to say,” and, “This is a topic I’m really passionate about.”

You don’t have to force yourself to believe that your negative thought is wrong. Just let it be a temporary resident in your brain. From there you can direct your energy and attention to what’s actually important to you.

3. Act from Your Values

You don’t have to change the contents of your mind to do things you care about. You can have fears about giving a bad talk and then do the best job you can. You can be afraid of having a panic attack and still show up for a meeting. You can worry about your kids’ safety, and yet emphasize love over fear.

Allow your anxious thoughts to do what they want. They can stick around and come with you, or they can hop off at some point. Either way, you’re not letting anxiety take the helm. Let your thoughts be thoughts, and live your passions through your actions.

---

For more on dealing with anxiety with this type of approach, see this post featuring guidance from anxiety expert Dr. Joel Minden. It’s available to all members:

---

With love,

Seth